


This is a love story

by witchyvirginia



Category: Fleabag (TV), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bisexual Female Character, F/F, Heartbreak, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:40:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23566978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchyvirginia/pseuds/witchyvirginia
Summary: Have you ever been met someone that instantly made the world seem better and brighter? Have you ever fallen in love with someone you knew you couldn't have? Pansy Parkinson doesn't have her life figured out. Her coffee shop is almost falling apart, her sister seems to hate her, her father is marrying a psychopath and she's struggling to balance everything while dealing with her personal life, that involves too much wine, too many one-night stands and too much crying. When she meets Hermione Granger, a successful lawyer, a married catholic and someone who seems to have a genuine interest in her life, she falls in love too fast and too hard, knowing this can only end in flames.Set in modern London, this is a Fleabag inspired Harry Potter AU. Split in two parts, it may or may not end the same. One thing is certain - this is a love story.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Pansy Parkinson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 66





	1. Chapter 1

Day 1

She stopped outside a huge mansion on the outskirts of London and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, noticing that there was only a single one left inside. Another stupid fucking party. For a moment she considered whether it was worth keeping it for later – after all, she couldn’t stand her stepmother-to-be and she would definitely need that.

‘Fuck that’ she muttered and put the cigarette in her mouth, taking out a lighter. She was going to drink enough for this whole thing to become more bearable anyway. Pansy inhaled the smoke and turned to look at the house, the muffled sound of some idiotic song coming through an open window. Of course, they were playing some jazzy bullshit, ‘Calm Saturday Afternoon Jazz’ playlist from Spotify. She wondered who made these? Who came up with these titles and songs and why every fancy social gathering had to include songs described as ‘mellow’ and ‘calm’ and ‘soothing’.

‘Are you going to ever come in?’ she heard her sister’s voice and turned around. She was standing at the front step, wearing a stunning navy-blue dress and flawless make-up. She always looked so perfect, and she always carried herself as if she was better than anyone, especially Pansy. Well, in many respects she was better than Pansy, but she didn’t like to admit to the failure that was her life.

‘I don’t know, maybe I just stay here’ she blew out the smoke and turned back, facing the road. She didn’t have to watch her to know that at this moment, her sister was rolling her eyes and taking a deep breath to stop herself from losing the temper.

‘For once in your life you could at least pretend you care’

‘Well, I don’t, and I’ve always been told not to lie’ she answered and dropped the cigarette to the ground, pressing it with her foot. She walked up towards the door, but Lucy stood in her way, blocking the entrance. Pansy shot her an annoyed look, fixing the strap of her bag on the shoulder. It’s not like she was in any hurry to get in, but the sooner she showed her face, the sooner she would be able to leave.

‘Just behave, please?’ Lucy said, and her voice sounded almost like she was begging. She’d never heard her sister beg for anything; she usually demanded things. ‘It’s important for dad’ she added after Pansy raised her eyebrows at her. She raised her two fingers up to her forehead and saluted, pushing her way inside the house.

It wasn’t necessarily buzzing inside, but she heard voices coming from the dining room. She took her jacket off and walked inside, spying the room in search for something to drink. She spotted a tray with champagne and instantly grabbed a glass, taking a long sip. Looking around the room, Pansy didn’t recognise many people, but then this didn’t really surprise her; these were her dad’s and his fiancée’s friends, and she never really bothered to make acquaintance with any of the people they introduced her to. She showed up for all the family dinners, birthday parties and anniversaries, but ultimately since she’d moved out, she tried to keep her family life separate from her everyday life.

Her everyday life however wasn’t very fascinating – it consisted mostly of running her own café and bookshop in London, drinking too much wine, reading books in her flat, talking to her cat and, probably most importantly, sleeping with people to make herself forget that she was the black sheep of the family with no achievements other than running a business that was close to going bankrupt.

Her father must have noticed her hanging at the back of the room, because he was awkwardly waving at her from the other side. She finished her drink in one go, set the glass on the shelf behind her and put on a smile, before pushing through the crowd of strangers.

‘My dear, so good for you to finally join us. Was it the traffic that made you so late?’ asked her father’s future new wife, knowing damn well she took the bus.

‘No, actually I…’ she tried to respond, but Paula didn’t let her finish.

‘Oh, never mind, you’re here now!’ she clapped her hands theatrically and Pansy pushed aside the need to slap her. ‘This is my dear friend, Hermione, and that’s her lovely husband Ron. Hermione actually agreed to perform our wedding, of course after we deal with all the paperwork at the office! She tried to talk me into getting a priest, but you know how I feel about organised religion’ Paula laughed, and everyone else followed in her step. ‘And this is Pansy, George’s younger daughter’ Paula pointed at Pansy, apparently not having much to say about her.

‘Nice to meet you, I didn’t know Lucy had a sister’ Hermione smiled at Pansy and extended her hand. She took it, returning the smile. The woman looked stunning – she had brown her put together in a neat updo and was wearing a simple black dress with barely any make up. Around her neck, Pansy noticed a small gold cross. She seemed to be genuinely interested in her, awaiting the answer, compared to other people who usually quickly forgot about her presence. Pansy was sure soon enough Hermione would get distracted with something else, probably with her husband standing by her side looking very lost in the room full of rich people in expensive clothes. He himself seemed like someone who should rather be Hermione’s driver, not a life partner.

‘How do you know each other?’ Pansy asked, tilting her head to the side.

‘We work at the firm together. I actually moved from Edinburgh recently and Lucy was friendly enough to show me around the office and the city’ Hermione took a sip of her drink and Pansy couldn’t help but stare at the way her fingers wrapped around the glass and her lips barely touched it’s edge, leaving a light print of her lipstick around.

‘Ah yes, that’s just Lucy for you. She’s always like that’ Pansy put a lot of effort to not sound ironic, but it was more difficult then she thought. Thankfully, it seemed that Hermione didn’t notice. Lucy, on the other hand, who showed up behind her from nowhere, definitely did.

‘I’m always like what?’ she asked, standing in between Pansy and Hermione.

‘Helpful. You’re always so helpful, doing things for other people, making yourself available, and never asking for anything in return’ Pansy widened her smile, looking directly at her sister. They’d never been particularly close, but as Lucy got more successful and married Pansy’s ex after seeing him behind her sister’s back when they were still together, their own relationship got progressively worse. Pansy forgave her a long time ago, and she’d never really loved him anyway, but bringing it up every time just to annoy her was one of her greatest pleasures in life.

Lucy caught her eye for a second and Pansy could see her jaw clenching. Luckily for both of them, Paula attempted to bring the room’s attention, calling everyone for dinner.

She was sat at the long table next to Hermione. The dinner was set in the garden behind the house, with fairy lights hanging all around the trees. Pansy thought it was a bit cliché, but it looked nice nevertheless and Hermione’s eyes seemed to sparkle when reflecting the light. Being so close to her Pansy could smell her perfume, it was sweet, probably vanilla mixed with something else, and she had a feeling that smell wouldn’t leave her mind for a while. She couldn’t help but look at her from time to time, at her long, exposed neck, a perfect nose and the smile. That smile was definitely her biggest advantage and it was making her feel glad she came and reluctant to leave early as she planned, and she really hated to be in the company of Paula for longer than it was necessary.

Somewhere mid main course, Pansy was absolutely sure no one around the table acknowledged her presence. Paula and her father, Lucy and her husband and Hermione and hers all led a pleasant conversation, but it seemed to happen around her rather than with her. Paula would theatrically lean forward to look at Hermione, as if to demonstrate that Pansy, as always, was getting in her way, so she made everything she could to follow her movements and make it as difficult as possible.

‘So, what do you do?’ Hermione asked suddenly when the conversation stopped, and everyone suddenly froze looking at Pansy and expecting the answer. She put her fork down and grabbed a napkin, more to occupy her hands with something rather than to clean anything. She could see Lucy trying to tell her something just with her eyes, as if she expected her sister to know what she wanted. To be honest, Pansy knew exactly what she meant. Probably something along the lines of ‘make it short, this is not about you, just don’t make a fucking scene’. She smiled at her and turned her attention to the stunning woman at her side.

‘I run a bookstore coffee shop in the city’ she answered and could almost feel Lucy releasing a breath or relief.

‘That sounds lovely!’ Hermione replied and Pansy was sure she was going to ask another question, probably about how it was called or if she ran it alone, but at that point Paula rose to her feet at hit her glass with a knife to bring everyone’s attention. Of course.

‘My dear friends, we’ll have a short break now so feel free to mingle, grab some more drinks, and desert will be served shortly’ she announced in her reedy voice.

‘I’m going out for a smoke. Join me?’ Hermione leaned closer whispering to her ear and Pansy felt the shiver run up and down her spine from how drastically the distance between them changed. She had to tell herself that Hermione was married, a catholic and probably would want to see Pansy burn in hell knowing she slept with as many women as she did with men. But for now, she decided to put these aside and led her to the back of the garden.

She rested her back against the wall and watched Hermione take out a cigarette, put it in her mouth and light it with a lighter. She followed her every move probably too closely, fighting the urge to pull the cigarette out of her mouth and kiss her. She was just so perfect and seemed nicer to her than any other of Paula’s or Lucy’s friends she’d ever met, and she’d always had a weakness for people who were nice to her. It was so easy to make her feel something for others – a smile, and casual arm touch, an engaging conversation and she was almost ready to buy a wedding dress.

‘You don’t smoke?’ the woman asked after blowing out a cloud of smoke.

‘I smoked my last one before coming in’ Pansy admitted, and Hermione reached out a hand and gave her the cigarette she was just smoking. Pansy took it, watching the woman take out another one. She expected her to light it the same way she did before, but instead Hermione came closer and used Pany’s one to light her own. She was sure the other woman wasn’t doing that on purpose, but her every movement, and each time she got closer, just pushed her more to the edge. She leaned on the wall and watched Pansy for a short moment.

‘So, you run a bookstore coffee shop’

‘Mhm’

‘That sounds so interesting. I wish I could run a bookstore coffee shop’

Pansy suspected Hermione was a little bit drunk. ‘Isn’t being a lawyer interesting? At least you earn more than me’ she laughed bitterly, looking down at her feet.

‘Money isn’t everything’

‘Only if you have enough of it’ they looked at each other for a second, and Pansy wasn’t sure if Hermione was just another one of the entitled assholes her sister liked hanging around.

‘You don’t like your family very much, do you?’

‘Is it that obvious?’ Pansy laughed. Considering that she didn’t have a chance to say much, it must have been quite transparent.

‘Why?’

‘Stick around for long enough and you’ll find out’ Pansy threw her cigarette on the ground and put it down with her shoe, making her way back to the garden.

Deciding to grab a drink, she walked into the house running into the last person she wanted to see.

‘Parkinson!’ Draco put his hands on both of her shoulders. She could smell alcohol, in a way that showed he’d been drinking probably since early morning, and considering he was an alcoholic, that didn’t really surprise her.

‘Leave me alone, asshole’ she tried to walk away, but he tightened his grip and wouldn’t let her go. He leaned a bit closer, and the smell of his breath when he talked made her sick.

‘Hey, you know what we had was special, right? Me cheating on you wasn’t really personal… I mean, you must admit it yourself, you didn’t have much to offer’ he looked her up and down and Pansy swore, if he wouldn’t let her go, this would end badly.

‘Fuck off, Draco. I really don’t fucking care’ she once again tried to leave, but he pushed her to the wall, coming even closer.

‘You’re hot, but it’s just your personality… man, you’re just an awful person to be around’ she couldn’t stand him any longer, and before she realised he pushed him away as hard as she could, throwing a punch at his face right before he tried to kiss her. He stumbled backwards, falling on the table filled with empty glasses. His nose was bleeding, but he managed to get up.

‘Stupid bitch’ he shouted and swung his arm, managing to hit her on the face. She could feel the blood coming out of her nose and the pain followed.

‘What the fuck happened?’ next thing she knew, Lucy, Paula, her father, Hermione and Ron were all standing around, with other people lurking in through the open door to the garden.

‘Your fucking sister attacked me!’ Draco turned to his wife who handed him a napkin, trying to stop the bleeding.

‘He’s lying! Your asshole husband tried to kiss me’ she decided to leave out the part when he said she was an awful person. She had a feeling most people in the room could actually agree with that, and even she herself couldn’t deny that she hated her personality, but she didn’t need anyone telling it to her face.

‘Like I’m going to believe you! Why do you always have to make things all about yourself. You fucking ruin everything’ Lucy said in a raised voice, and Pansy just laughed. She never tried to make things about herself, it’s just that people didn’t really want her to talk or do anything so whenever she opened her mouth, they felt like it was too much.

‘He cheated on me with you, what makes you think he wouldn’t do it again? And he stinks of booze, for fuck’s sake Lucy, he’s an alcoholic and he’s been drunk probably every day of the week.’

‘You’re just jealous. I think it’s better if you leave’ Lucy turned around, trying to sort Draco out. Pansy looked at the faces around her, but she got the feeling that no one was going to come to her defence. She grabbed her bag from the floor and walked to the bathroom, leaving the trail of blood behind her.

Looking in the mirror, she must have admitted she looked pathetic. Her face was covered with blood, her make-up was smudged, and her hair got all tangled. She started cleaning her face when she heard someone knock.

‘I’ll be just a moment!’

‘It’s me’ she recognised Hermione’s voce and opened the door, letting her in. ‘Are you okay?’ Pansy nodded in response, wetting a towel to rub away the dried blood. She wasn’t bleeding anymore, and she couldn’t wait to get as far away as possible from that house. ‘I think I know what you meant. I’m sorry’ Pansy looked at her and laughed, because that was the only think she could think of doing. Hermione smiled and reached out a hand touch her arm gently. The woman briefly looked at her hand, even the slightest touch making her feel things she probably wasn’t supposed to feel. It was probably alcohol, adrenaline and constant fucking loneliness making her long for even the smallest form of human contact.

‘Are you sure you’re okay? Do you need a lift?’ she looked truly concerned, and for a moment Pansy was ready to take her up on that offer.

‘I’ll be fine, I just take the bus.’ she smiled back, threw the dirty towels in the bin and picked up her things.

‘Give me your phone’ Hermione extended her hand and Pansy obliged without asking. ‘My number. If you ever needed someone to talk to, I’m always here.’ she gave her the phone back and walked out of the bathroom. Pansy followed shortly after, taking her jacket and leaving the house without giving the party carrying on in the garden a second look.

Back at home, all she could think of was Hermione and how much she’d like to see her again. She hadn’t felt like that about anyone in a very long time and sleep didn’t come easy that night, with her thoughts preoccupied with the woman she met at the party that turned out exactly the way she thought it would.

Day 5

She thought about Hermione every day since Saturday. She thought about her in the morning when she was making coffee, when she was watching the news, when she was in the shower. She thought about her in the bus; looking through the window at the buildings in the City, she thought about Hermione sitting in her office. She could easily go in, under the false pretence of seeing her sister. She could accidently run into her and say ‘oh, I forgot you worked here’, even though it was physically impossible for her to forget. She thought about her at work, serving coffee and selling books. And finally, she thought about her in bed and it was probably then that she thought about her the most. Whether she closed her and touched herself, or just stared at the ceiling not able to sleep, Hermione was constantly on her mind. Pansy wanted to get to know her, contrary to every other person she’d ever been with.

Day 7

The phone felt like it was burning a hole in her pocket. She had her number in, she could just send her a text or even phone her. It was Sunday and she wasn’t at work. Pansy was bored in her flat and she just wanted to talk to her, or even better – see her. She knew very well there would be no chance of them ever getting together – despite what she thought of her husband, Hermione seemed relatively happy. She took out her phone and set it on the table in front of her.

‘Don’t look at me like that’ she said to the cat who was watching her every move. He always did that, followed her around and stared at her creepily as if he knew things she had no idea about. Finally, after fighting a long battle with herself, she picked up the phone, searched Hermione’s name and typed the message.

 _Hey._ She put the phone on her knee, realising she never gave Hermione’s her number. _It’s Pansy, sorry._ She sent another the message but realised how stupid it sounded. Sitting on the couch she stared at the screen waiting for the reply. Eventually, the message popped up on the screen.

 _Hey. Everything okay?_ Pansy smiled to herself and typed in the response.

 _Yes, and you?_ She bit her lip waiting for another message.

 _Yes, just getting ready for church. Wanna join?_ She stared at the screen for a while, not expecting… that. Before she managed to talk herself out of that, she typed in _yes_ and pressed send, getting up to get ready.

Hermione waited for her outside the building and Pansy was glad she didn’t have to walk in alone. The smile on her face was probably too obvious, but she couldn’t help herself being happy to see Hermione again.

‘You look nervous. Are you nervous?’ Hermione laughed when Pansy approached her. She looked even more beautiful in flowy blue dress and denim jacket, with her hair let down loose.

‘A little bit, yes. I’ve never been to church’

‘No way, you’ve never been to church? Not even the protestant one?’ Hermione looked very surprised and Pansy smiled even wider.

‘Nope. I don’t believe in god. I guess that’s one and only thing me and Paula actually have in common’ she laughed again, following Hermione inside. They took a sit at the back row. Through the whole ceremony, Pansy couldn’t keep her eyes focused on the priest. Instead, her eyes were constantly drifting towards Hermione. She followed her movements, moving her lips when they did the prayer and reading the lyrics to songs from a little book Hermione gave her. At the end, she followed her out into the warm, spring sun.

‘And? What did you think?’ the woman looked too excited and Pansy thought it was extremely adorable.

‘It was… interesting’ she laughed again, this time trying not to look towards Hermione too often.

‘Really? It looked like you were somewhere else completely.’ Hermione noticed, and Pansy could feel her heart beat a little faster. Did she also see her looking at her?

‘I just have troubles believing in something you can’t scientifically prove. Also, I find religion a bit sexist, and too similar to cults. Which is my way of saying it’s fascinating, but only in the form of podcasts and conspiracy theories’ she explained, and almost immediately regretted her words. Hermione seemed to regard her for a while. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you’ she tried to fix her mistake, but noticed Hermione smiling at her.

‘You didn’t offend me. Believing in God is more personal to me, it helps me… see things more clearly, be more connected, feel less lonely at times. When there’s no one to turn to, I turn to God. Almost like a therapy session. But you’re right, most of it is pretty fucking sexist’ she laughed, completely surprising Pansy with her answer. She didn’t seem like someone she imagined her to be. She came across as sophisticated, polite and successful, but then she was also cigarette smoking and swear-words using catholic woman who didn’t have a problem with her not believing in God and being honest about it. And it only made Pansy fall for her harder, because usually people tried to change who she was and what she believed in. Hermione seemed happy exactly with who Pansy was.

‘Do you want to come for tea?’ Pansy asked once they stopped by the road. She didn’t want their meeting to end and be limited to just church, one place that certainly did not support whatever feelings Pansy was starting to develop for Hermione.

‘I would love to, but I have some errands to run. Maybe next time’ Hermione stepped closer and placed a gentle kiss on Pansy’s cheek, turning around to walk in the opposite direction. Pansy stood there for a while, feeling like the place where Hemione’s lips touched her skin was still burning. She wondered if she will eventually burn in hell – for all the people she slept with outside of marriage, for all the women she slept with, for the lies she’d told and the mess she’d made out of her and other people’s life. But even if she knew for sure she would burn in hell, it would still be worth being able to look into Hermione’s eyes and tell her what she really felt. It was at that moment Pansy Parkinson realised she was falling in love with Hermione Granger. She was falling in love hard and fast, and eventually she would end up in flames.

Day 14

They’d been texting all the time. Sometimes Pansy would wake up in the morning and the first thing she did was check her phone. Sometimes she wasn’t alone; despite how much she was yearning for Hermione, she knew the feelings weren’t mutual. And if she ever tried anything, this would only ruin probably the only good thing that had happened in her life recently. Meeting Hermione changed her life completely - she didn’t feel heavy when getting out of bed anymore, she loved chatting to customers, and she reconnected back with her sister.

‘I believe you, about what Draco did’ she said one day when she popped in to see her at work. Lucy didn’t like coming to her coffee shop, it was always too messy and too crowded, so they usually just talked outside. But this time she walked in and ordered a drink. She sat in the corner and patiently waited for Pansy to finish serving her customers. ‘He’s such an asshole, isn’t he? I think I might have to leave him’ Pansy sat quietly listening to her sister talk. Sometimes it was just better to let her throw things out. One wrong word, and they could be mortal enemies again.

‘I’m sorry. And I think you should know; I’ve never really been mad about you marrying him. I just liked bringing it up because I saw how annoyed it made you’ Lucy laughed hysterically.

‘I need to go’ they both stood up and look at each other awkwardly ‘The place is doing well though. Are you okay for money?’

‘Yes, don’t worry’ they hugged stiffly, and Lucy made her way through the door. She turned around with her hand on the doorknob, looking at her younger sister.

‘Hermione mentioned you became friends. She’s married, Pansy. And a catholic’ she looked genuinely concerned, and for a moment Pansy thought that maybe her sister knew her better than she’d ever expected.

‘I know’ she answered, looking her straight in the eyes. It was probably the first time since forever that they felt connected to each other.

‘Just be careful’ Lucy didn’t let her answer to that, leaving the shop almost immediately. Pansy watched after her until she heard a customer calling for her attention. She was never careful. And maybe there was some truth to what Lucy said before. Maybe she was a bit selfish, because in the long run she didn’t really care about Hermione’s marriage or her faith, and she was really worried she would do something regrettable.

Day 15

Pansy was about to close the shop, when she noticed Hermione standing outside, waving. She let her in, turning the key after and changing the sign in the widow.

‘Hi’ she said and hugged Hermione, counting in her head to make sure the hug wouldn’t be too long and awkward. ‘Would you like some tea?’ she asked after they separated. Hermione was looking around curiously, at shelves stacked with used books and cabinets with colourful teapots.

‘I would love some, thank you’ she walked around the place, taking her jacket off and placing it on one of the chairs. Pansy boiled the water and prepared two mugs, all this time following the woman with her eyes. She still remembered the conversation she had with her sister. She wanted to be careful. She knew she had to be careful, or else she would ruin the only chance for a friendship she had. But then she also knew she would never be satisfied being just friends. As long as Hermione was in her life, she wouldn’t be able to let go of the yearning she had for her.

Pansy set the mugs on the table and sat down. ‘I didn’t expect to see you’ she said, smiling at Hermione. She wrapped her palms around the mug, forgetting it was filled with freshly boiled water, and felt her skin burning. ‘Ouch’ she took the hands back too rapidly, causing the mug to fall. Her tea spilled all over her clothes and the table and Pansy jumped up from her chair, feeling the hot liquid coming through the layers of fabric. ‘Shit! Fuck! I’m sorry’

‘Are you okay?’ Hermione got up and reached for the napkins, helping her clean up the mess. Their hands touched briefly, and Pansy yanked hers back, heading behind the counter for more paper towels.

‘Tell me about yourself?’ Hermione ask when they sat down again, Pansy completely ignoring the fact that her skirt got all wet and she probably had tea everywhere, including her underwear.

‘What do you want to know?’ she smiled; there were a lot of things she could tell Hermione about, but she wasn’t sure she was ready to confess all of them. She’d done things in the past that she really regretted, and she knew she would do things in her future that she would also come to regret.

‘Why do you hate your family?’ Pansy froze hearing the question, and she wasn’t sure it was the right one to ask. Maybe she should have started with why her family hated her. Because deep down, Pansy knew that they had good reasons to hate her. But she didn’t want Hermione to know her as this person. She felt herself becoming better, partially because of her – she didn’t try to change her on purpose, she never talked about God or how her faith helped her in life, like Pansy imagined all religious people to be, but her very presence made Pansy want to become a better version of herself, however cheesy that might have been. If she told her all she’d ever done, she knew Hermione would leave.

‘I don’t hate my family’ she answered finally, trying not to turn her eyes away. She always did that when she was lying, and people told her it was easy to tell.

‘Come on, I know there is something going on there’

‘I don’t hate my family, just ask me something else’ Pansy insisted, this time looking down at her hands.

‘Why?’

‘Just ask me something else, anything. Ask about my favourite colour or my favourite book, or where I’d like to travel’.

‘No, I want to know about your family. If I’m going to present your father’s wedding, I need to know, I need inspiration’ Hermione wasn’t letting go, watching her closely.

‘Just talk about love generally or some other bullshit, you don’t need my family history for that’ Pansy was getting defensive, resting her back against the chair and crossing her arms on her chest.

‘I’d like it to be specific. And I’d like to know you better. Why wouldn’t you tell me?’

‘Because I don’t want you to know me, okay?’ she shouted, getting up from the chair and grabbing a brush she was using before to clean the floor. ‘I think you should go’ she muttered and heard Hermione gather her things and walk towards the door.

‘Well, fuck you, Pansy. I guess Lucy was right’ Pansy closed her eyes, listening to the sound of keys turning, doors opening and then closing. And there she was, ruining something good again. But maybe it was better to ruin their friendship than to ruin their lives.

Later that evening Pansy wasn’t sure what to do with herself. She felt hopeless, itching to grab a phone and call Hermione, apologise for being an asshole and tell her everything she wanted to know. If she asked, she was ready to admit how hard she was falling for her. But her pride, and fear, wouldn’t let her do that. Maybe it was for the better; if Hermione disappeared from her life, she would be able to just move on. The feelings would eventually pass. All she had to do was survive seeing her at her father’s wedding.

She couldn’t stand being in her flat. The sun was slowly setting, so she got dressed and went outside. She wasn’t sure where she was going exactly, just let herself wander around the streets, until she found herself standing outside of the church, the same one she went to with Hermione couple days before. She was convinced it would be closed, but when she walked up to the door they opened for her easily. The inside was dark and quiet, and she was sure she was the only person there. She took a sit at the back row, eventually sliding down to her knees and closing her eyes. Pansy wasn’t sure how to pray, and she definitely didn’t believe in God, but maybe even pretending to talk to someone would take some of the weight off her shoulders.

‘What are you doing here?’ she heard the familiar voice after a while and jumped up to her feet, seeing Hermione standing behind her.

‘I actually came to pray. What are you doing here?’ she replied, realising that it definitely made more sense for Hermione to be there.

‘But you don’t believe in God.’

‘No, but I… needed a place to think, I guess.’

‘Think about what?’ Hermione asked, and then stepped back a little ‘You know what, never mind. You probably won’t tell anyway’ she turned her head away as if expecting Pansy to leave her alone.

‘Look, I’m sorry about earlier. It’s just… there are a lot of things you don’t know about me and I’m not used to trusting people to get to know me without leaving right after. I guess I’m not very good at being friends’ Pansy admitted, and that brought Hermione’s attention back to her. She looked her up and down, seeming unsure about what she should say or do next.

‘But you don’t want us to be just friends, do you?’ she asked eventually, and Pansy was stunned. She didn’t know what to say to that.

‘I… I…’ she stuttered for a while before Hermione interrupted her.

‘Don’t try to bullshit me, Pansy. Do you think I don’t see the way you look at me? I’m not an idiot. But you know nothing could ever happen between us.’

‘What, do you really consider homosexuality a sin?’ Pansy couldn’t help but laugh, thinking that would ease the tensions a little bit. Hermione however didn’t look like she found it funny.

‘Whether I think it’s a sin or not doesn’t really matter. I’m married, Pansy. But I really would like to be your friend’ she didn’t look angry anymore, but rather like she felt sorry for her. Poor little Pansy, falling in love with someone who pitied her. At least she didn’t run away, leaving her alone like everyone else. ‘Come on, I know what could help’ Hermione said after Pansy didn’t respond. She followed Hermione deeper into the building, in between the rows of empty seats, all the way to the confessional tucked in the corner.

‘Are we allowed to use it? You’re not a priest.’ Pansy asked, for the first time really feeling like something was a terrible idea. Usually it was her coming up with and doing things without realising they wouldn’t end well. 

‘You’re not going to confess your sins to me. I want you to trust me, and it might be easier if you don’t see me looking at you’ she said and walked to the side Pansy assumed was destined for the priest. She herself took a place on the other side, sitting down on the cold wooden bench. ‘Come on, tell me what’s wrong. I promise I’ll still be here after you’re finished’. Pansy closed her eyes for a second. She wished she had a glass of whiskey to give her some more confidence. Both of them just sat there in quiet, separated only by a piece of wood. Pansy couldn’t see Hermione, but she heard her breathing and imagined her chest raising and falling with every breath.

‘I’m just so worried.’ She started slowly, biting her lip and letting her head fall down. She decided to keep her eyes closed, somehow it was easier to talk surrounded by the complete darkness. ‘I’m worried of never achieving anything in life. Of disappointing everyone even more than I’ve already had. I’m worried about being vulnerable, but then I’m also worried that people will think I don’t care when I do if I never show any weakness. And sometimes it just feels like everyone else has their life figured out, and I don’t know what I’m doing, and I just want someone to tell me what to do and how to do it, because I think so far I’ve been getting everything wrong. I’ve fallen for wrong people, I chose wrong friends, and when I found the right ones, I managed to somehow fuck everything up’ the more she said, the easier it got. Words were coming out of her mouth accompanied by tears falling down her cheeks. ‘And I want to feel things, but when I do they don’t feel right, or I feel them for the wrong people and I can’t even tell them because I’m afraid, and I just wish there was a switch off button that I could push because I talk too much and feel too much and it’s just so exhausting always trying to say the right thing but it comes out wrong anyway.’ She continued pouring her heart out until there was nothing else left in her to say. ‘And most of the time, I just feel fucking lonely and sometimes I wonder if it’s just me, or if everyone else feels the same but they’re just scared to admit that.’ She confessed everything except the one thing she was the most afraid to say, but she knew Hermione knew that already anyway and saying it out loud would really change anything. Some things just had to be left unspoken.

They sat in silence again and Pansy wasn’t sure Hermione was there anymore, so she said her name waiting for a reply that didn’t come. She said it again, and this time she heard the woman let out a long breath on the other side of the confessional.

‘Kneel’ she whispered.

‘I think I need something more than a prayer…’ Pansy started, confused by Hermione’s request.

‘Do you trust me?’ the woman asked, and Pansy turned her head towards where she knew Hermione sat.

‘Yes’

‘Then kneel’ she did as she was told, coming down to her knees and lacing her fingers together. The time seemed to stretch terribly long, but suddenly the curtain in front of her opened and she saw Hermione looking down at her. She seemed unsure, maybe a bit scared. She lowered herself down and reached out her hands, wiping Pansy’s tears off her face.

‘You don’t always have to be lonely. Sometimes you just have to choose to let people in’ she whispered with her face close enough that Pansy could feel her warm breath on her cheeks. Before Pansy managed to respond in any way, she felt Hermione’s lips touch hers, her hands pulling her even closer. For a moment, everything seemed to make sense. Pansy close her eyes and they both rose to their feet. She pushed Hermione’s slightly against the confessional, tangling her hands into her hair, letting herself feel this moment with each cell in her body. She’d thought about this moment every day since they’d met for the first time. She’d imagined it happen in every place possible. She’d thought about how it would be to finally kiss her, but none of that actually compared to this – the feeling of her body pressed against hers, the warmth and softness of her lips, the subtle smell of her perfume and her own beating heart, speeding up with every second. She wasn’t sure how far they were going to take this, but she lowered her hands pulling Hermione’s shirt out of her jeans, forgetting where they were and who they were. All that mattered was them, together, trapped in the moment that was out of time and space. Hermione didn’t stop her, so Pansy carried on, struggling with the buttons and feeling Hermione trying to do the same. But before they managed to take any of the clothing off, they heard a loud sound of something falling down to the ground. It echoed around the empty church and Hermione pushed Pansy away, looking at her terrified.

‘Oh my god’ she whispered, buttoning her shirt back up and gathering her jacket that was now laying on the floor. Without a word, she hurried towards the door, turning back once to look at Pansy over her shoulder. She could tell Hermione was battling with her own thoughts, but at the end she decided to choose what she knew and believed in, leaving Pansy vulnerable and hurt. She was used to that. Most people always left and usually she didn’t try very hard to stop them. This time she felt like chasing down after Hermione, but possibly for the first time in her entire life she realised this wasn’t the right thing to do. She had to let her go. She’d done so many wrong things before and it was the first time she was sure this was the right decision. She had no way of knowing if Hermione would ever come back, or if they still had a chance for the friendship she offered. And while part of her regretted everything that just happened, part of her knew that if she’d had a chance of doing that again, she would have definitely done everything the same way.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it! I really hope you enjoy this, and sorry for how long it turned out to be, but it didn't really feel right to split it into more chapters!

She watched Hermione walk away. She followed her all the way to the front of the Church, seeing from the distance how she opened the heavy door and slid through the gap out of the building. When the door closed behind her, Pansy was still standing in her place. She felt numb. She felt like a balloon with no air. She felt naïve, for letting herself trust Hermione so much after knowing her for such a short time. What are some friendly meetings and constant chats? How can you really get to know a person in a span of only two weeks? She regretted telling Hermione all she thought and felt, but at the same time she knew, or rather she suspected, that Hermione would take all her secrets to the grave with her.

‘Excuse me, my dear. Do you need any help?’ a quiet voice brought her back to the church. She looked around, noticing an older lady smiling at her unsurely.

‘No, no I’m alright, thank you’ she smiled back, realising that her shirt was messily pulled out of her skirt and her bag and coat were thrown on the ground. Pansy didn’t care much about what the church lady would think of her, but she noticed that the woman was looking her up and down clearly confused.

‘We’ll be closing soon’ she stated, possibly expecting Pansy to gather her belongings and leave.

‘Aren’t churches supposed to be open at all times? For those in need?’ she asked, sounding probably more cynical than she meant to. The lady raised her eyebrows at her, crossing her arms on her chest.

‘Those in need know very well where they can find help’ she replied annoyingly, and Pansy decided not to continue the discussion. She picked her bag up, put the coat on and hurried to the door, hearing the clicking sound of the woman’s heels following her closely behind.

‘Have a lovely evening’ she said right before exiting the church, clearly not meaning it at all.

She didn’t want to go home. Instead, she walked towards the main road, skipped the bus stop she took the bus from the last time and walked into the nearest bar. It was Sunday night and it wasn’t particularly busy, especially that it was one of those bars with mellow jazz playing in the background and overpriced cocktails containing bare minimum of alcohol. She took the empty stool, waiting for the bartender to approach her.

‘Can I have a shot of tequila and a dry martini’ she ordered and turned around to have a good look at people around. Booths and tables were mostly occupied by couples and groups of friends. She could recognise a couple having their first date, with the awkward smiles and hand gestures. Personally, she hated first dates, and she didn’t really do them anymore. Not since Blaise left her because she seemed ‘emotionally unavailable’ and ‘not committed enough’. She rolled her eyes, remembering the monologue he’d presented her with while gathering his belongings from her tiny flat. She would never admit that, but she was glad he was gone, not because he was a bad boyfriend. On the contrary, he was probably too good for her, with his warm smile and tender heart. He’d cried at every romcom they watched together and had always insisted to cuddle in bed. He’d never gotten annoyed, except for every time they’d broke up before eventually getting back together. Only now Pansy was realising that she was clinging to him for comfort and safety. Sometimes she missed the feeling of having someone she could rely on, but then she realised she’d never given Blaise the chance to know the real her. She’d trusted him, to an extent, but not enough to tell him what she told Hermione. Now, it was one or two nights stands. People whose numbers she kept on her phone in case she needed to blow off some steam or forget about life. She tried not to give in to those old habits, but there was something in the physicality of sex stripped of all the emotions that she couldn’t give up.

Her mind went back to Hermione, knowing that for her she was ready to risk it all. Get rid of all the numbers from her contact list, make herself emotionally available and commit to her fully. She knew it would never happen, especially not know, after Hermione had run away to probably never show up again.

Pansy drank her tequila, ordered another one and took a sip of her drink.

‘Hard day?’ the bartender put the glass in front of her, leaning on the bar and looking at her curiously.

‘Hard life’ she replied, raising the glass and pouring the alcohol down her throat. She considered the man in front of her for a moment. He looked around her age, wearing black shirt with tattoos peaking from underneath the rolled-up sleeves. Without question he took the empty glass and swapped it for a full one.

‘This one’s on me, then. To make your life easier’ he said, raising another glass himself and drinking with her.

‘Are you allowed to drink at work?’ she raised her eyebrows, sipping on her martini. She could already feel the alcohol working its magic. She felt lighter, happier, more confident. She noticed the way he looked her, and she bit her lip slightly thinking if maybe he was exactly the rebound, she needed.

‘I finish in half an hour’ he replied, as if reading her mind, before moving on to another customer.

Half an hour had passed, and she was still there. The man sat on the stool next to her, bringing another two glasses of tequila with him. She could tell he put the perfume on; his smell hit her and for a moment she remembered Hermione and the subtle smell of vanilla and musk. She waved the thoughts away, focusing on the deep brown eyes of the man in front of her. They took another shot, and then another, until she felt relaxed enough to nonchalantly lean forward and rest her hand on his knee. She didn’t remember if they introduced themselves. Until now they didn’t talk much. He said something about having a dog, or maybe a dog dying – she couldn’t recall, but she didn’t care enough to try.

‘I’m Pansy’ she said finally. She didn’t sound drunk and she didn’t feel like it, but the alcohol was working, and she didn’t think about Hermione at all. She didn’t think about the way she looked down at her in that confessional. She didn’t think about her hands touching her skin or her lips connecting with hers. She didn’t think about how she left, with no words other than ‘oh my god’, and Pansy realised she hated god because he seemed to really fuck her up quite well, considering that he was one of the obstacles standing between her and Hermione.

‘I’m Adam’ he laughed, and she noticed he had quite a nice laugh. Not like Hermione’s, there was nothing that could ever compare to the way she laughed. For Pansy, it looked like she was emanating constant light every time she did that.

She leaned forward a little bit, and he followed her, meeting in the space between their seats. For a moment they just sat there, looking into each other’s eyes. She was trying to search for his intentions. Pansy was sick of embarrassing herself in front of others and hoped that for once in her life something happened the way she intended it to.

‘Do you want to get out of here?’ she whispered finally, smiling at Adam and he smiled back, grabbing his jacked in one hand and her hand in the other, leading them out of the bar. The air outside was surprisingly warm, but maybe she only felt it that way because her body was warmed by alcohol and adrenaline at the thought of what would happen next. She hadn’t done that in a while; picking up strangers in bars used to be her thing, she much preferred it to dating apps, but she was a bit rusty. They walked for a bit towards the nearest taxi rank, and halfway through she pulled him to the side, pushing him against the wall and kissing him with her eyes closed. She needed to get the memory of Hermione out of her mind, out of her lips, out of her life. She knew she’d fallen too quickly and too hard, and she needed to get back to who she’d been before.

They got into the taxi, sitting too close to each other. Adam threw his arm around her, but she was looking the other way, through the window at the glistening lights of the city around them. They were going to his, and she didn’t mind. Her flat was a mess anyway. The way she left it after the argument they’d had earlier that day, not knowing how this would all end up.

They walked up to his flat and Pansy noticed that it was too nice for someone working behind the bar, but she didn’t ask. She didn’t really care. They drank wine and talked for a while; during the drive she could feel the alcohol slowly starting to wear off, it was always like that when she didn’t drink enough to lose all the senses completely. Wine warmed her up even more, gave her more courage to finally put the glass down and pull at his shirt, unbuckle the belt and push him towards the bed. She wanted to let him take the lead, but she still felt too vulnerable to lose control over one thing she was actually able to manage.

It felt good, not having to be alone, not having to think about anything else but this very moment. And he felt good, too. The problem with picking people up in bars was that you could never tell what they were like, but he gave her exactly what she needed and at the end she was lying breathless in his bed, hoping the thoughts wouldn’t return but they did. She wanted to get up, get dressed and leave; if she stayed, this could give him the wrong idea. He may ask for his number, maybe even see her again, and she definitely didn’t want that to happen.

‘Can I stay the night?’ she surprised herself with the question when he came back with two glasses of water. She needed something stronger, but it was late, and they’d already drunk a lot and she didn’t want him to think she had a problem.

‘Of course’, he smiled, getting back into his bed. She drank her water and turned to the other side, closing her eyes and wondering why it didn’t work. It always did. Whenever she felt too much or too little, she would always do the same thing. Call people from her list or find someone new, fuck them until she would feel something or completely nothing, leave before the sun managed to rise and wander the streets on her own. But not today. Today, she knew that if she left, she would find her way to her sister’s house, screaming at her to leave her asshole husband. Or she would end up at her father’s house, finally telling his bride-to-be what she really thought of her. Or, even worse, she would go back to her flat and call Hermione, who probably wouldn’t pick up, so she would leave message after message after message. Somehow, rationalising things always seemed easier in the morning.

Day 16

Pansy woke up to Adam sitting at the edge of his bed, looking at her. She sat up, picked up her shirt from the floor and pulled it over her head.

‘Good morning. Coffee?’ he passed her the mug.

‘Do you have any aspirin?’ she asked, noticing that her voice was a bit husky. She sipped on the coffee while Adam was searching for the medicine. Her whole body felt heavy; not just because of the hangover, although that was definitely a huge part of it. Her head was pounding, her eyes were stingy, and she just wanted to cover herself up with a warm duvet and go back to sleep. It was Monday morning, however, and she knew she had to open the café. At least that would keep her busy for most of the day.

‘Can I use your shower?’ she asked again, after she swallowed the pill and gulped down the rest of the coffee. Adam showed her the way, and she walked under the warm stream of water, closing her eyes and pressing her forehead on the wall. She could stay like that forever; showers always made her feel both a bit better, and like she was about to break down into pieces and flow down the pipes. The overwhelming feeling, she still had in her chest was completely knew and it made her doubt whether any of the relationships had ever been real. If this was how heartbreak felt, she must have never experienced it before, because she couldn’t recall ever feeling that way. Was it possible to feel too much and nothing at all at the same time? Because part of her was dead inside, but the other part seemed to be screaming in pain.

After some time, she heard the door to the bathroom open. He stepped into the shower, and she felt his arms wrapping around her chest and his lips pressing to her neck. She didn’t really feel like doing it again, especially now that the night was over, but she didn’t protest. She let him do whatever he wanted to her, until he finished, and she still felt exactly the same. Her back was now pressed against the wall and he was standing in front of her, leaning in for another kiss.

‘You are amazing’ he said, and for some reason she knew he would say these exact words. They always did. Men seemed to like praising women for their skills in bed, as if their highest achievement in life was being able to satisfy them. Because all women ever wanted was to be praised by men. No one ever asked what they felt like, or if they though men were amazing.

‘Thanks. I really need to shower, though’ she said without smiling, and Adam left without a word. When she came out of the bathroom afterwards, he was all dressed, with the bed made and the room cleaned. She located her bag and her jacket, picking them up and standing awkwardly in the middle of the bedroom. It seemed bigger than it had the night before, but maybe it was just because she hadn’t really been paying attention, having other things on her mind.

‘I need to go to work’ Pansy sent him a brief smile, trying to remember that none of the way she felt was actually his fault. Just because he wasn’t enough to get rid of the memory of Hermione didn’t mean she had to take it all out on him.

‘It was really nice meeting you’ he replied with a smile, although she could tell the whole situation was as awkward for him as it was for her. Maybe he expected something else… ‘Can I call you? Or see you again?’ and there it was, the question she was waiting for. Adam got up and gave her his phone. She didn’t feel like telling him right there that this would probably never happen again, especially because she didn’t actually know it wouldn’t. Maybe she would pick up next time he called, after all there wasn’t anyone else in the picture anymore.

The café wasn’t unusually busy. Some regulars came and went, chatting to her about their gardens and animals, granddaughters and nieces. She smiled, and talked and nodded, she served coffee and cake and toast. The life around her was moving at its own pace and it was only her that felt slowed down, like she lost track and wasn’t able to catch up. And all this time, she couldn’t help but think that she would see her again, at her father’s wedding. She would go and sit through her speech, she would smile and exchange pleasantries, pretending they’d only met each other once. She would pretend she never fell for her, Hermione would pretend she’d never kissed her, and at the end of the day she would get back to her nice life with a nice job and a nice husband, while Pansy would take a bus to her small flat with a cat and a shelf full of books she intended to read and no one to call, or to make her tea or tell her it would be okay. Usually, her life didn’t bother her that much. In fact, it was quite nice, or at least normal. She had a job and some friends – now one less because she had died, and part of Pansy’s still hadn’t recovered from that. She had fair amount of sex, and if she didn’t, she always had herself and porn, which she hated but it did the job and sometimes that was all that mattered. Her café was doing better after almost closing down and she even enjoyed serving the customers, recognising faces and remembering regular orders. Her life was nice and there was nothing she could complain about, but at the same time she never felt truly satisfied. It was always as if something was missing, as if other people had it better than her.

The usual lunch rush died down a bit, when she heard the bell above the door ring. She came out of the back drying her hands with a towel only to see Hermione standing in front of the counter. Pansy stopped immediately, looking at the woman dressed in a stunning beige coat that was probably very expensive.

‘Hi’ Hermione said first, but Pansy didn’t reply, staring at her for a moment too long.

‘Can I help you with anything?’ she asked, trying to find something to occupy herself with, but there was nothing to do around, so she was stuck just talking to her.

‘No, thank you. I… I came to tell you that I’m not going to present your father’s wedding’ Hermione hesitated for a moment saying the words. Her eyes were searching Pansy’s face for any reaction, but she managed to keep it completely straight.

‘Why?’ she asked a bit confused, although she knew the answer very well.

‘It just doesn’t feel right. I haven’t told them yet, they invited me for lunch tomorrow, and I’ll do it then’

‘I know, they invited me too. If it’s because of me, you don’t have to do it. I mean, you don’t need to worry about me, I’ll behave’ Pansy said eventually after a longer pause. She wasn’t sure why Hermione came to tell her the news, but she knew it’d feel better if she never did. However, despite how painful it was to actually be in her presence, she didn’t want her father’s wedding to be ruined, even if she’d hugely enjoy making Paula’s life more difficult.

‘Look, Pansy, I’m really sorry about what happened yesterday. It was a mistake, and I shouldn’t have done it. I knew, or I suspected, how you felt about me, and I have no idea what went through my head, but I’m… I’m not…’

‘You’re not what? Gay?’ Pansy raised her eyebrows, shaking her head gently. She let out a short laugh ‘Just spare me the bullshit. I don’t need you to apologize, it’s fine. Whatever happened, happened. If your conscience is clear you can go back to your perfect heterosexual husband and successful life. And do whatever you want with the wedding, I don’t actually care’ she added ironically, turning away from Hermione and sorting out the sandwiches in the fridge.

‘Okay. Okay’ she heard Hermione say, before the bell rung and she heard the door open and close. Ensuring there was no one around, Pansy broke down crying, letting her head fall down and resting her palms on the cold surface. She felt the tears run down her cheeks and she couldn’t stop. She wanted to run out and chase Hermione down, but what good would it do to both of them?

Day 17

She was running late for this stupid lunch. She had to close the café during the busiest time, just because Paula and her dad wanted them all to come around for lunch before the wedding. She ran from the bus stop slowly losing her breath, attempting to keep the bag from sliding down from her shoulder. She reached the main door, seeing Lucy impatiently waiting for her on the steps.

‘You’re late’ she said it accusingly, looking her up and down. Contrary to Lucy, Pansy looked like shit. She didn’t get much sleep last night, especially after spending another evening in the pub drinking martinis and flirting with strangers. She ended up going home alone though, very drunk and very disappointed. She spent the rest of the evening getting even more drunk with the leftover wine, eating ice cream straight from the tub and watching the cheesiest romcoms possible. Not ideal, but there was no one to judge her for that other than herself and she definitely wasn’t going to tell anyone.

‘Sorry, had to kick everyone out from the café just so I can come here and sit through lunch and dessert listening to how incredibly happy Paula is about the big day’ she muttered, running her hand through her hair. Lucy gave her the look – the one that said she didn’t approve of the way she formed the sentence but agreed with the message overall.

‘You look like shit’ she stated, picking off cat hair from her top. ‘Is everything okay?’ Pansy turned to look at her sister, surprised by the question. 

‘Is everything okay with you?’ she asked suspiciously. ‘Is Draco coming?’ she added, before Lucy managed to reply.

‘I don’t think so. We should probably go in, I’m glad you’re fine’ Lucy turned back to the door and ran her hand over her coat to straighten invisible creases. 

‘I didn’t say I was…’ Pansy started, but Lucy interrupted her almost immediately.

‘You’re fine’ she said and pressed the buzzer.

‘Ok, I’m fine’ Pansy shrugged and turned her eyes to the door.

At lunch she was sat next to Lucy and opposite of Hermione. She tried not to look at her, pretending she was interested in whatever story Paula was telling them (although she was barely paying attention to any of that). She could tell that Hermione was looking at her though, and she just wanted her to stop that. There was absolutely no reason why, especially if she was still going to tell Paula and dad she wouldn’t present their wedding. Pansy honestly couldn’t wait to see Paula’s reaction. 

In between the courses (she was sure lunch was just one course meal, but for some reason Paula decided to keep them there for too long, serving appetisers and drinks, main course and a dessert), Pansy excused herself and went out to smoke. She walked to her usual spot, only to find Hermione already there smoking, with her back rested against the wall.

‘Oh sorry, didn’t know you were here’ she said and stepped back, meaning to leave. She didn’t feel like spending any alone time with Hermione, and she wasn’t sure what she would say or do if they did.

‘You’re fine. Don’t feel like you have to leave on my account’ Hermione exhaled the smoke, looking at her carefully. Pansy took out a cigarette and lit it up, standing next to Hermione. They stood like that for a while in a complete silence that felt incredibly heavy.

‘I don’t have anything against gay people, by the way’ Hermione said eventually, and Pansy turned her head to look at her, but she didn’t respond. ‘Not every Christian is a bad person, you know.’

‘I never said you were a bad person’

‘But what if I am?’ Hermione turned to look at Pansy and they locked eyes. She seemed unsure, worried, maybe even guilty. ‘I’m married, I have a good life, Ron is so good to me, and I just cheated on him’ her voice broke slightly, and Pansy felt bad for being so harsh on her. Looking at her now she couldn’t really hate her for how she reacted. She knew from the very start that this, whatever it was, was impossible.

‘We didn’t have sex’ she said but wasn’t sure this actually helped.

‘Do you think cheating is just sex?’ Hermione asked, taking out another cigarette.

‘Yes, I mean, I don’t know. What happened in that church was a mistake, you said it yourself. No one is ever going to find out about it. And people make mistakes, you just need to forgive yourself and move on.’ They were quite for another moment, looking at each other both unsure of what they should say next.

‘I’m going to present at the wedding. It’s the right thing to do’ Hermione said eventually, dropping the cigarette and moving past Pansy to get back inside.

‘Does the friendship offer still stands?’ Pansy called after her, and Hermione turned with a gentle smile.

‘Yes. Absolutely, yes’ she nodded and disappeared round the corner.

‘Fuck me’ Pansy mutter to herself after the woman was already gone. She finished the cigarette, took a deep breath and shook her head. She had no idea how to be friends with Hermione when she could still clearly remember how her lips felt on hers, but maybe, eventually, this feeling would pass.

Day 19

Pansy was closing the café in the evening, when Hermione showed up at the door. She was all dressed up, and Pansy couldn’t help but notice how stunning she was. For a moment, the sight of her literally took her breath away, as she opened the door and let her inside.

‘Are you busy tonight?’ Hermione asked, putting her bag on the table.

‘Not really, why?’ Pansy took her apron off and put away the cloth she used to clean the tables.

‘Thought we could grab a drink?’

‘Sure, I just feel really underdressed. Did someone die?’ Hermione laughed at her words, and Pansy felt something in her heart actually clench painfully. She pushed the feeling down, trying not to focus on how Hermione’s whole face just seemed to light up when she laughed. They were trying to stay friendly, exchanging texts for the past two days, and despite how much she wanted to try and be friends with her, she still felt incredibly vulnerable every time the text message would pop up on her screen.

‘No, I had a work dinner and Ron’s out of town, so I thought we could hang out’

‘Just let me finish closing first and I’m all yours’ she sent her a smile, regretting the word choice, but Hermione didn’t seem to notice when she took a seat, observing Pansy swiping the floor, clearing out the dishes and counting the money in the till. After everything was done, she grabbed her bag from the back and they headed out to the bar.

It was fairly busy as for a Thursday night, but they managed to find an empty booth near the back.

‘How are you?’ Hermione asked eventually, after they sat in an awkward silence. Their drinks were brought to the table so at least Pansy had something to occupy herself with. Talking to Hermione had been easier before they kissed. Now it seemed like they both had to try really hard not to think about everything that had gone down in the last couple of days. It seemed like ages had passed and like they’d known each other forever.

‘I’m good’ Pansy laughed shortly, knowing that she didn’t sound very convincing ‘I’m good’ she repeated, more to convince herself rather than Hermione.

‘And how’s the café doing?’

‘It’s going good. It’s been through a rough time but it’s fine now’ Pansy wasn’t sure why Hermione was asking her all these questions and where all this was going. She always felt a bit uncomfortable with people showing too much interest with her personal life, but at the same time she often wanted people to know things about her and be interested in her life, because if they didn’t it felt like no one really cared, and if no one really cared she just felt fucking alone.

‘Lucy, um, she mentioned you opened it with a friend?’ Hermione asked hesitantly, taking a sip of her drink. Pansy stared at her for a moment, thinking about everything that had happened in her life before she met Hermione. It felt like she’d gone to hell and back. She’d hit the very bottom and for the longest time she hadn’t been sure she would be able to get back up. She’d gone through break up and loads of sex to make herself forget about the failure she was, quite literally had fucked her friend over so badly she ended up dying, and then she’d managed to fuck up the business they started together, the only thing that was left reminding her of Elle. But she survived. Learned how to let go of the guilt, or at least accept that her own mistakes had consequences. She found healthier ways to deal with her feelings – meditation and yoga, green tea and less coffee, and definitely less wine than usually. Life was now looking better – it wasn’t exactly good, or perfect, and definitely nothing to be especially proud of. It was mediocre, but sometimes mediocre was better than a fucking disaster.

‘Yes, yeah I did’ she cleared her throat, finishing off her drink and looking into the empty glass. ‘She, um, she sadly passed away, a while ago’ she added, hoping Hermione would realise she didn’t feel like talking about that right now.

‘Oh no, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know’

‘It’s fine, really. I’m fine, I just don’t really like talking about that anymore. I’m trying to move on and all that bullshit’ she said and smiled. The air felt heavy around them and suddenly Pansy felt like she needed to be somewhere else, away from Hermione and her honest concerns and selflessness. ‘I have to go the toilet, I’ll be right back’ she gave her another smile and got up, heading towards the bar. Making sure she was far enough so Hermione couldn’t see her, she approached the bar and ordered two tequila shots. She drank one after the other, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, when she felt someone’s hand touch her shoulder. She turned around to find Adam standing behind her.

‘Pansy, hey!’ he exclaimed way too excitedly, leaning in to kiss her. She turned her head fast enough for his kiss to land on her cheek. ‘What are you doing here? I thought I wouldn’t see you again after you never replied to my text’ he asked, and she smiled awkwardly remembering that he did text her the other day asking to take her out.

‘Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I’ve just been really busy recently, I read your text and meant to reply but it just skipped my mind’ she used the classic excuse that worked every time. It seemed to work this time as well, because he smiled at her, waving his hand dismissively.

‘Not to worry! Are you here on your own? I’m so glad to see you again!’ he exclaimed, leaning on the counter.

‘Oh, no, no, I’m just here with a friend’ she laughed stiffly, but clearly he didn’t notice, because he picked up the drinks she ordered for herself and Hermione in both hands, waiting for her to show him the way.

‘You don’t mind me joining, do you?’

‘Actually, I…’ she tried to say that she did in fact mind him joining, but Adam seemed not to care about what she had to say.

‘Great, so how have you been? I’ve been thinking about you almost every day, god you were incredible!’ she rolled her eyes and turned around, leading him to the table. Hermione looked clearly surprised seeing Pansy accompanied by a man, and Pansy mouthed ‘sorry’ from afar before she slid back into her spot.

‘Hermione, this is Adam. Adam, this is Hermione’ she awkwardly introduced them to each other, and Adam reached his hand out to Hermione. He then dragged a chair and sat at the top of the table.

‘So, how do you know each other?’ Hermione asked after a while, which was mostly filled with Adam talking about the multiple jobs he did around the city and how amazing he was at every and each of them.

‘We’re not… we don’t really know…’ Pansy started, wanting to prevent Adam from telling the full story, but she didn’t manage to get the words out in time.

‘It’s actually a pretty hot story! She came to my bar… last Sunday, I think?’ he looked at Pansy searching for confirmation, and she nodded clenching her jaw. She was blankly staring at Hermione, who up until then had been looking at Adam, but now moved her eyes towards her, and Pansy could see the realisation creeping onto her face. ‘I was about to finish so she waited up, we had some drinks, one thing led to another…’ he raised his eyebrows, poking her with his elbow and raising a glass, looking very satisfied with himself. Hermione, on the other hand, seemed a bit taken aback, but didn’t say anything. Instead she just finished her drink and looked at her watch.

‘It’s getting pretty late, I better head back home’ she stood up, gathering her belongings.

‘Are you sure?’ Pansy asked, standing up with her. Hermione held her gaze for a little longer than could be considered normal and smiled gently. Pansy wasn’t exactly sure what hid behind that smile, but it definitely wasn’t anything good. She looked a bit sad, maybe disappointed, and Pansy didn’t really understand why. She’d gotten so many mixed signals since the first they they’d met. And not only that – Hermione was in no position to expect from her to not see other people, since there had never been anything between them other than this one kiss that Hermione made sure to emphasise was a huge mistake.

‘Yes. I’ll see you Saturday’ Hermione came out of the booth and Pansy stood in her place for a moment, looking at her silhouette pushing through the crowds towards the door. After the woman was gone, Pansy fell heavily back onto her seat and hid her face in her hands. At the same time, Adam just kept talking about some bullshit like football game he watched the other night.

‘Can you just shut up?’ she raised her voice, looking at him visibly annoyed. The man stopped talking, blinking rapidly shocked by her reaction.

‘Are you okay?’ he asked slowly and unsurely. Pansy considered him closely, before finishing her drink and getting up.

‘Let’s go. Let’s get out of here’ she grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the bar.

Day 20

Pansy woke up in her own bed, with Adam lying next to her in deep sleep. She quietly put on some clothes, grabbed a pack of cigarettes, made a cup of coffee and went out the garden in front of the building. She sat on the steps smoking in quiet. Last night felt somehow peculiar, but it also felt like a big mistake. When she brought Adam home, she wasn’t actually sure she wanted him, or just wanted to prove to herself that she could actually be with someone who wasn’t Hermione because there was no other choice. She couldn’t hold on to the idea of something that would never happen, but at the same time Hermione’s reaction in the bar made her hope that maybe there was a smallest chance of Hermione actually having feelings for her. And if she did, if the kiss wasn’t just one done out of pity, or under the influence of strong emotions and the rush of adrenaline, maybe there was a chance for them to be together, the way she’d been imagining it since the very first day. She shook her head and laughed at her own thoughts. It was moments like this one that always made her feel ridiculous. Why wouldn’t her life just be easy? Why couldn’t she find someone nice and available to fall in love with? Someone who would embrace all her flaws, turn a blind eye on some of her mistakes, and, most of all, wasn’t a married Christian devoted to her husband, her job and probably her religion. She finished her cigarette and put it in the bin, going back to her flat. Adam was still asleep, but she didn’t really want him there anymore, so she went up to him and shook his arm gently.

‘Hey, wake up. I have to go work’ she said, not even trying to whisper.

‘Mhm’ he murmured and turned to the other side.

‘No, you have to leave. Get up’ she shook him harder and he eventually woke up, looking at her confused.

‘Is everything OK? What time is it?’ he rubbed his eyes, picking up a shirt from the floor and pulling it over his head. Pansy didn’t actually know what time it was.

‘It’s quarter past six’ she said looking at her phone, surprised by how early it was. ‘I have some things to do before work and I need you to leave’ she repeated, waiting for him to get dressed. She walked him to the door, and he tried to kiss her, but she moved away, smiling uncomfortably.

‘I won’t see you again, will I?’ he asked laughing, and for a moment she felt a bit guilty for using him like that and leading him on. Wasn’t that exactly what Hermione did to her?

‘No, I don’t think so’ she answered, shaking her head slightly. ‘I’m sorry’ she added, because she genuinely was sorry.

‘It’s all good.’ They looked at each other in silence before he smiled again, and Pansy thought he looked as if he felt sorry for her, but she didn’t know why. ‘I hope she realises what she’s missing’ he added, and then just walked away towards the street. Pansy stood in her place, completely stunned, before she fully realised what he said.

‘Wait, what? What do you mean?’ she shouted after him, but he only raised his hand, waving at her without turning back. She shut the door and walked back to her bedroom, throwing herself on the bed and screaming into the pillow.

After work she came straight home, stopping at a corner shop to pick up a bottle of wine and a microwave meal for dinner. She spent good two hours going through her closet, realising she had nothing to wear for tomorrow’s wedding.

‘I have nothing to wear tomorrow’ she said to the phone as soon as Lucy picked up.

‘Figure something out’ she replied, clearly too busy to talk to her own sister.

‘Have you ever thought about how easy it must be for priests? They don’t have to worry about their outfits’ she noticed, holding up a red dress with flowers on it. It looked nice, but it didn’t really feel like her.

‘What do priests have to do with anything?’ Lucy asked but her voice seemed muffled by sounds from the background. ‘Just wear something nice that’s not black, ok? I can’t talk right now, I’ll see you tomorrow.’ She added, and Pansy could hear a men’s voice calling her sister’s name. A voice that sounded nothing like Draco’s.

‘Lucy, are you with a man?’ she asked conspiratorially. 

‘Don’t be stupid, I’m still at work. Don’t be late’ she answered, but Pansy could tell she sounded embarrassed. She didn’t get the chance to respond because Lucy hung up, leaving her alone to make a decision.

She pulled out couple of her best choices and hung them across her wardrobe. She had a lovely black dress with low back that would look incredible paired with red lipstick, but she knew if she came wearing black, Lucy would probably personally throw her out. Apparently, it wasn’t appropriate to wear black to weddings, and she wondered if it also stood for a wedding that seemed to already be dying. Then there was this fancy, emerald green dress that didn’t feel like her at all, but that Elle had made her buy because it went well with her pale complexion and dark hair. She remembered that day – they’d been probably a little bit drunk, or just high on life like they’d always been, window shopping in the shopping centre when Elle had spotted that dress on a display and dragged Pansy inside to try it, and then had convinced her she would definitely find a special occasion to wear it. Pansy had worn it to her funeral – it wasn’t black, and she stood out from everyone else, but it was dark enough, and she knew Elle would appreciate it. And anyway, she’d always hated such traditions, she’d wanted _All Star_ played at her wedding when she would walk down the aisle to whoever would be standing at the end, and even though Pansy didn’t believe in God, she thought Elle would have seen her wearing this dress to her funeral and smile. She couldn’t help but tear up a bit thinking about losing her friend and how she never got to play that stupid song at her own wedding. Pansy never thought she herself would ever marry, but if she had she would have definitely picked this song just to celebrate her memory. She reached out for her phone and actually played the song, running her hand through the soft fabric of the dress.

Pansy was screaming her lungs out to _Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming,_ when she heard someone knock on the door. She turned the volume down a bit, stuck the phone in her back pocket and went to open the door, founding Hermione standing on the other side. The woman looked at her surprised, and Pansy realised that she must have looked quite odd with the song playing out of her back pocket, a glass of wine in her hand and make-up smudged from crying all over her face.

‘Hey’ she said, turning the music off and letting Hermione in.

‘Oh please, don’t stop on my account. I’m actually a big fan of Smash Mouth’ she laughed, taking her coat off and putting the bag on the floor. ‘I hope I’m not interrupting’ she looked around, as if to make sure there was no one else inside.

‘No, I was actually trying to decide on a dress for tomorrow and got a little carried away when going down the memory lane’ Pansy laughed, walking into the bathroom and wiping smudges of mascara off her cheeks.

‘Getting emotional about weddings?’ Hermione asked, and Pansy caught her in front of her wardrobe looking at the dresses she pulled out.

‘No, but I do about funerals’ she answered, and the woman looked at her surprised. ‘I wore this one to Elle’s funeral. She made me buy it, saying I would definitely find a special occasion to wear it to’ she chuckled quickly, taking the dress down and putting it back inside the wardrobe. ‘I don’t think it’s appropriate for a garden wedding anyway.’ She added, being left with two choices.

‘I think this one will look nice. Not too fancy, but still beautiful’ Hermione pointed at the last dress – it was short, in a lighter shade of green with white flowers printed all over it. The two women looked at each other, holding their gaze for a moment longer, before Pansy moved away, walking towards the kitchen.

‘Tea?’ she asked, setting the kettle and preparing the mugs. Hermione followed her nodding and sat at the chair by the kitchen counter. ‘What are you doing here? I didn’t expect to see you until tomorrow’ they took the steaming cups of tea and moved to sit more comfortably on the couch.

‘I, um… I was in the neighbourhood and thought I’d come to say hi’ Hermione sipped her tea, clearly avoiding looking at Pansy, who raised her eyebrows but didn’t say anything. ‘How’s, um… how’s Adam?’ she asked after a moment.

‘He’s fine, but I won’t be seeing him again, I don’t think.’

‘Did you… the other night?’ Pansy held back the laughter watching Hermione struggle to satisfy her curiosity. There was something off about her, but Pansy wasn’t really able to put the finger on what it was exactly.

‘Hermione, we really don’t have to talk about it’

‘Good, good. It’s just, I really want you to be happy.’ Hermione said, setting her mug down a looking at her hands.

‘Thanks. Can you then tell me what’s going on, because clearly there’s something on your mind that you’re not telling me and I know you weren’t just in the neighbourhood’ Hermione looked at Pansy briefly, before jumping off the couch and startling to nervously pace around the living room.

‘Look, I’ve had pretty good life, with my job and a husband, and we’ve been trying to have kids and it’s really been all good. I mean sure, maybe I didn’t marry him out of pure love, and maybe our parents did set us up a bit because he was a good Christian boy and I was this rebellious teenager that clearly just needed someone to show her the right way’ Hermione started, and Pansy kept herself from rolling her eyes, thinking she was about to hear all about Hermione’s troubles in paradise to then proceed to give her marital advice she learned from tv shows and movies she watched almost obsessively. ‘And it’s been going great, I’ve found God and he’s been amazing, I’ve actually started to feel at peace with everything, I got my degree and an amazing job but then we found out I actually couldn’t have kids and Ron was disappointed, I know it, but we’ve been talking about adopting and all…’ she kept going, and Pansy didn’t really expected any of that. Only then she realised how little she actually knew about Hermione. ‘I thought it was just a temporary obstacle, you know? But at the same time, we’ve prayed for a child so hard, and he just seemed to be a complete asshole ignoring our prayers, and I started having doubts if I even wanted this child in the first place, because I actually felt a relief when I found out I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant.’ Pansy was sitting completely quiet, following Hermione with her eyes and trying to think about something appropriate to say when this would be all over. ‘I never said it to Ron, because things were already quite difficult, but we were pushing through it and I kept praying for God to show me the way…’ _oh dear God_ Pansy thought to herself, realising how much of Hermione was actually connected to her faith. She hadn’t seen that before, maybe because the woman tried to conceal it for Pansy’s sake, but right now she wasn’t sure she knew how to help her, considering she expected her help in the first place, without being able to empathise about faith and relationship with God. ‘And the you showed up’ Hermione stopped in her place, looking straight at Pansy whose reaction was a bit slowed down, as she completely didn’t expect Hermione’s speech to take that turn.

‘Wait, what?’ she asked honestly surprised, trying to remember Hermione’s last words as they were, making sure she didn’t just mishear.

‘You!’ Hermione exclaimed a bit hysterically, shaking her head. ‘You showed up, with your… atheism, and bisexuality and ‘couldn’t-care-less’ attitude. I’m not blaming you for my marriage not working out, it hasn’t been working for a while, but you’re just… getting in a way of fixing it’

‘Why fix something that’s already broken?’ Pansy asked, not being able to believe Hermione was blaming her for not being able to get over her marriage problems.

‘Because that’s what I’m supposed to do! Marriage is not just a hook-up you can ignore when it stops suiting you! You’re supposed to try make it work, you’re supposed to communicate, not file for divorce as soon as the first obstacle comes up!’ Hermione shouted, and then laughed again.

‘Okay, first you need to calm down. Second, what do you expect me to do? I got your message loud and clear and I never tried to change your mind. Do you think it’s easy for me listening to you blame me for ruining your life? Do you think it’s easy for me to even be around you? Well, I’m sorry! Maybe you should talk about this with God, see if he has any answers to that, if you believe that everything that happens is because of his will!’ Pansy shouted back and stood up from the couch, this time not going to just give up. It was Hermione coming back to her time after time, giving her all these mixed signals and then pulling back at the last minute, and Pansy wasn’t going to let her guilt her for something she hadn’t even done.

They looked at each other, both feeling the tension surrounding them. Pansy started to feel a bit exposed, after telling Hermione it was still difficult to be around her. She couldn’t just switch off her feelings in one day just because it was ruining Hermione’s, or God’s, perfect plan. She never expected, or wanted, it to happen, and she was still surprised at how fast she managed to develop feelings for someone who seemed to be the polar opposite of her.

‘Fuck’ Hermione chuckled, shaking her head again and Pansy looked at her surprised. ‘Fuck that’ she repeated and moved closer to Pansy, looking right into her eyes, with an expression that within seconds turned from hysterical to incredibly serious. She reached her hand, stroking Pansy’s cheek, and then leaned in to kiss her. It was a slow, gentle kiss and Hermione pulled away after a second, as if trying to see if she had Pansy’s permission. Pansy, surprised at this unsuspected turn of the events, didn’t wait for Hermione to do anything more, reaching in for another kiss, turning it into one that was more passionate and eager.

‘Wait. Are you sure you want this?’ Pansy stopped suddenly, studying Hermione’s face. She didn’t want to make another mistake, and she didn’t want Hermione to do anything under the influence of her emotions she might later regret.

‘Yes’ Hermione nodded, and without hesitation kissed Pansy again, sliding her hands underneath her shirt and rapidly pulling it off. Pansy laughed and grabbed Hermione’s hand, leading her to the bedroom.

Day 21

Pansy woke up to Hermione still sleeping silently next to her. Her dark brown hair was thrown all over the pillow, and she was facing away from Pansy, but she could tell the woman was asleep. She watched her like that for a moment, thinking about last night, and every other day that had brought them there. It felt unreal, impossible, and yet… they were both there. She still wasn’t sure what it all meant – they hadn’t said much after it happened, or at least they hadn’t said anything that would answer some of the key questions: was she going to leave Ron? Did that mean Pansy’s feelings were mutual? What would happen to them next?

She reached her hand and gently ran her finger down Hermione’s bare shoulder until the woman moved slightly and then turned around to face her. Pansy couldn’t help but smile seeing her still sleepy face lying in her bed. They looked at each other without saying anything, Hermione eventually smiling as well.

‘Good morning. You look happy’ Hermione finally broke the silence, looking at Pansy curiously.

‘Good morning. I am happy’ Pansy smiled even more, moving a bit closer.

‘Why?’

‘I just can’t believe this happened’ she replied and wanted to lean in to kiss her but noticed that Hermione’s smile suddenly disappeared.

‘I know.’ Her voice was quieter than before and Pansy got a terrible feeling she would be getting some answers to her questions, just not the ones she wanted.

‘Are you freaking out?’ she asked, trying to find the answer in Hermione’s expression, but it didn’t say much.

‘No, it’s fine. I should probably get home though… Ron will be worried, and I need to get ready for the wedding’ she sat up, covering herself with the bed sheet and picking up her clothes from the floor. Pansy stayed in bed, watching Hermione walk around the room getting dressed.

‘I’ll see you at the wedding’ Pansy said eventually, but it sounded more like a question.

‘Yes, of course. We’ll talk after, ok? It’ll be easier’ Hermione smiled at her and Pansy for a moment thought all was good again. She understood perfectly well Hermione being nervous – it was her first time with a woman, she cheated on her husband (whom she didn’t love anymore, but it didn’t really change anything, did it?) and all of that went pretty much against everything she’d ever believed in. If Pansy had been in her shoes, she would have been worried too. She could only hope this feeling Hermione had, whatever it was, was temporary and that her feelings for her were much stronger.

Hermione hesitated for a brief second standing at the top of the bed, before she came closer and bent down to kiss Pansy slowly.

‘I’ll see you at the wedding’ she repeated and left, leaving Pansy very confused and increasingly worried.

‘You look lovely darling!’ Paula exclaimed, looking her up and down. Unusually, Pansy managed to arrive at the house right on time to greet the coming guests, help with setting up drinks and snacks in the garden and rearrange the chairs. Hermione wasn’t there yet, but Pansy didn’t actually expect her to be there so early. She made small talk with people she didn’t know or barely remembered, smiled at old family friends who had no boundaries when it came to hugging, kissing and telling her she looked exactly as her mother, as if this wasn’t the last thing she wanted to hear as her father was about to marry the wicked witch of the west. It felt a bit overwhelming, and the crippling anxiety about the events of last night and that morning did not make it any easier.

‘Are you okay?’ Lucy pulled her to the side and stared her dead in the eye. ‘You look awfully pale’ she added, looking at Pansy closely. She looked around, making sure there was no one to overhear what she was about to say.

‘I slept with Hermione last night’ she whispered, smiling uncomfortably.

‘You did what?’ Lucy shouted, and Pansy immediately jumped to silence her. ‘You did what? After I specifically told you not to?’ Lucy whispered back. She seemed clearly angry, and Pansy didn’t really understand why she even cared about it so much.

‘It was her idea! She came to my flat, she kissed me first! And you didn’t exactly say I shouldn’t sleep with her, you told me to be careful. And I was’ she said defensively, both knowing that it was all true and that Lucy probably wouldn’t believe her. ‘And why do you care so much? She’s a grown woman.’

‘I don’t care about her, idiot! I care about you. Don’t want you to get hurt again’ Lucy said in a softer voice and both women looked at each other confused. They rarely expressed any sisterly love, and this confession was definitely unusual. Especially coming from Lucy.

‘Do you mean again after my boyfriend cheated on me with you and then proposed to you, to only turn out to be a complete asshole I’d always known he was?’ Pansy raised her eyebrows, smiling ironically, but then her expression softened as well. ‘Look… I think I might really like her. And I think she might like me too’ she said after a moment, her voice quieter than before. She was looking down, feeling vulnerable when admitting her feelings to Lucy. Maybe they weren’t very close as sisters, but it had always been implied that they could rely on each other.

‘She’s married, Pansy…’

‘I know, but she told me they weren’t happy anymore. I’m not bullshitting myself, Lu. I know how this could end, I just had to tell some’ Pansy finally looked up to see Lucy looking at her with pity. She didn’t need that. She didn’t admit that just for Lucy to feel sorry for her. ‘By the way, are you going to finally leave your husband? We both know you’re too good for him.’

‘Yes. Yes, I think I will’ Lucy smiled unsurely, surprising Pansy with her response. She expected her to get defensive and tell her to mind her own business. Maybe the underestimated how much they both actually needed each other.

‘I need a smoke’ she pulled out a pack of cigarettes from her bag and started walking away towards the side of the house.

‘Why do you do that? This stuff will kill you!’ Lucy called after her.

‘Something has to. And it looks cool’ she replied looking back over her shoulder, before disappearing around the corner.

She walked through the gate, trying to take out the cigarette and a lighter out of the pack, when she almost walked into someone. She jumped back, realising that her usual hiding/smoking spot was already occupied by no one else but Hermione herself.

‘Oh God! Jesus fucking Christ!’ Hermione screamed, jumping back herself and looking at Pansy terrified. ‘You scared the shit out of me! What are you doing here?’

‘Just came here to smoke. What are you doing here?’ she started the cigarette and offered one to Hermione, but the woman refused.

‘I was practicing my speech’ she waved the crumpled piece of paper.

‘And how’s that going?’

‘It’s more difficult than I thought it would be’ Hermione laughed, and Pansy joined her, feeling the tension that was filling up the space between them only a minute ago drop completely. ‘You look lovely, by the way. This dress was definitely the right choice’

‘Well, you have a good eye.’ Pansy smiled at Hermione, who hesitated for a second before she stepped closer and reached for Pansy’s hand. They both looked down, playing with each other’s fingers and avoiding looking at each other. Eventually, Pansy bravely looked up and kissed Hermione briefly, moving away to see if she had the permission. Hermione brought her hand up to Pansy’s face, stroking her cheek gently, and then suddenly pushed her against the wall of the house, kissing her until they both ran out of air to breathe. Hermione moved her head back slightly, taking the cigarette out of Pansy’s hand. She took a long drag of smoke and then dropped it on the ground. She then took both of Pansy’s hands in hers, looking straight into the other woman’s eyes.

‘I’m sorry, about how I was this morning. It’s just… this feeling, it’s still confusing to me.’ She said, smiling and Pansy could have sworn, at that moment she would do everything just to keep seeing that smile.

‘Is it because of me, or because of Ron?’ she asked slowly, afraid of what answer she might get.

‘I don’t know. Both, I guess?’ Hermione admitted, and although it wasn’t what Pansy was worried about, it also wasn’t the thing she wanted to hear. ‘The wedding’s about to start. We’ll talk after’ she added, placing another small kiss on Pansy’s lips, and then stepped away, walking towards the gate. She stopped for a second, turning around as if she wanted to say something, but then changed her mind and walked away. Pansy reached for another cigarette, this time smoking it until the end, before going to take a seat next to her sister.

‘Where were you so long?’ Lucy whispered when Pansy sat down. She looked at her sister, and then towards Hermione, who was now standing in front of the guests, with the arch of flowers behind her. Her father and Paula were sitting in a front row holding hands, while some young teenage boy played a melancholic tune on violin. ‘Jesus, fuck, Pansy’ Lucy added, getting her answer without Pansy having to say anything. ‘Did she say anything about…’ Pansy shook her head, refusing to look at Lucy and the woman understood it perfectly. She turned away in time for Hermione to start her speech.

‘Thank you, that was beautiful’ some people still clapped, and Hermione waited for them to finish. ‘And thank you everyone for being here today. It’s a really special occasion and I’m so honoured to do this. Our beautiful couple asked me to present at this ceremony, probably because I’m the closest thing to a priest they can get without actually committing to any religion’ some people laughed, including Pansy. She kept her eyes fixed on Hermione, listening to her every word and studying her every gesture. ‘As you probably know, they are already married, but I think it’s a beautiful way to celebrate love with your friends and family.’ She took a small pause, looking around gathered guests. ‘And speaking of love… love is complicated. Yes, people always talk about how beautiful it is. We see all these movies where people fall in love with each other. We see the butterflies, the early stages of a relationship or having a crush on someone who feels really unreachable’ she briefly looked at Pansy and her heart skipped at beat ‘But one thing we hardly ever get to see is what happens after. What happens after the first kiss everyone has been waiting for? We never see the struggles people go through to keep that initial flame as strong as it was at the beginning. Any relationship, whether it’s romantic or not, requires commitment and sacrifice. It doesn’t come as easy as they tell us. Sometimes it hurts us. Sometimes we hurt other people. Sometimes we hurt each other, even if we don’t mean to. It all doesn’t just stop just because we decide we want to be with that person.’ She took a break, looking around the guests just to stop her eyes at Pansy again. ‘Sometimes, when we love someone, it feels like nothing else in the world matters, and it’s the greatest feeling of all, because it makes you feel like you’re floating on a cloud. But this feeling always passes, and if we don’t try, the love we had for that person, no matter how strong it initially felt, will eventually fade away. But at other times, we realise that maybe there has never been any love in between us, and we have to make choices that can cause pain and disappointment’ she paused again, this time looking at the married couple. ‘I know that the love between these two is much more than just a feeling. They are committed and passionate, they’ve been through a lot and they came out in one piece, so they know the hardships they may come across. I want us all to look at them as an example of love that we should all strive for. It’s easy to give into the initial feelings and desires, but it’s much more difficult to carry on when the first rush of adrenaline is gone’ Hermione finished her speech and the gathered guests clapped. Pansy joined them rather mindlessly, staring straight as Paula and her dad got up from their seats to hug Hermione.

‘Well, that was interesting’ Lucy muttered, and Pansy looked at her questioningly. ‘I guess she was right thought. Love always requires work and commitment and it’s so easy to get distracted…’

‘Please, don’t tell me that one thing you got out of that speech is that you need to try harder with Draco’ Pansy said annoyingly, and Lucy just laughed.

‘No, God, no. The one thing I got is that there’s definitely nothing to work on here’ Pansy actually felt relieved hearing the answer, but she obviously wasn’t going to say anything.

‘Drinks?’ she asked instead, getting up from her place. Lucy followed her movement and both of them went up to a bar set up in the garden.

The party went on until it got dark around, and the whole garden lit up with fairy lights, candles and lanterns. Pansy still hated Paula, but dad seemed happy enough and she must have admitted that they put a lot of work and effort into the party. She didn’t see Hermione for most of it; she mingled with guests, drank champagne and looked around anxiously, wondering what “after” meant exactly. Was it tonight after the party, or after as in tomorrow, when everything settles down and there’s really nothing else to look forward to? It was getting late and she was getting tired, and Hermione was nowhere around, and if she had more champagne, she would end up absolutely drunk and of course she didn’t have to drink if she stayed, but she knew very well she would anyway. So, she grabbed her bag, said goodbye to her sister, kissed one of older aunts on the cheek and went to find dad or Paula to tell them she was leaving. She found them both talking to Hermione and she stopped in her tracks, not sure what was the appropriate reaction.

‘Pansy, my dear! Are you leaving already?’ Paula asked, sounding almost disappointed, although Pansy knew she wasn’t really.

‘Yes, it’s been a long day. Lovely reception though. And great speech’ she said the last sentence to Hermione, trying to be as casual as possible when looking at her.

‘Thank you, lovely. I don’t know if you remember each other, Hermione is Lucy’s friend from the firm?’ Paula looked in between the two women with that annoying smile on her face.

‘Yes, nice to see you again’ Hermione reached out her hand and Pansy took it, pretending that just hours ago the same hand wasn’t touching her cheek when they kissed.

‘You too.’ Pansy responded with a pleasant smile.

‘So, do you walk home or…?’ Hermione asked, surprising Pansy completely.

‘No, no, I take the bus’ she was a bit confused as to the nature of the question, but she followed along.

‘Is that the one just up the road?’ Paula was now quietly listening to their conversation, and Pansy was just waiting for her to interrupt them so she could bring all the attention back to herself. And she still dared to call Pansy the attention-seeker.

‘Yes, that’s the one. I actually better get going or I’ll miss the last one’ Pansy laughed and leaned in to kiss Paula on the cheek. ‘Bye, dad. Bye. Bye’ she said and walked away, using the back garden gate to get to the street.

The bus stop wasn’t too far away from home and within minutes she was sat on the bench. She looked up at the screen, but it seemed not to work so she couldn’t actually tell when, or even if, the next bus would arrive. It could be any minute, or it could be never. She sat alone for a while, having a feeling that the “after” she was waiting for was about to come sooner than this bus. Or maybe she was just stupidly hoping Hermione would follow her out of the party so they could finally settle whatever there was to settle between them.

She wasn’t wrong. When she looked up at the street, she saw Hermione approaching her slowly. The woman sat next to her and looked up at the same screen.

‘You can never trust public transport’ she said, and Pansy chuckled quietly.

‘That speech was so… inspiring.’ Pansy smiled, once again searching Hermione’s face for any hints as to what was coming. And, once again, she got none.

‘Really?’

‘Oh yeah, my sister’s on her way to divorce her husband’ Hermione laughed, making Pansy’s heart clench painfully in her chest. She was avoiding asking the question, but she wasn’t sure how long she was able to skip around the main issue at hand. ‘So, what’s it going to be?’ she finally got herself to ask, trying hard not to look away from Hermione.

‘Pansy, I…’ she started, but Pansy interrupted her, shaking her head slightly and smiling.

‘No, wait a second. Before you say anything else just… let me say this, ok? I love you’ she wasn’t sure that was really the right time, but she was too afraid that she would never get a chance to say it again, and she just needed to get it out of her system. She needed Hermione to hear it, and she needed her to know that whatever she felt, was very real. ‘I fucking love you’ she repeated, her voice shaking because these words had never felt more real. She had said it before, but she never felt it the way she did with Hermione, and she could only tell by the terrible fear she had of the woman not saying it back. She wasn’t sure she would be able to handle it, but at least she was being true to herself.

Hermione sat quietly without saying anything, and Pansy’s stomach instantly tied into a knot. Eventually, Hermione grabbed Pansy’s hand and squeezed it gently. She hesitated, bringing her head forward and resting her forehead on Pansy’s.

‘I fucking love you, too’ she said finally, and Pansy let out a short laughter, followed by a couple of tears coming down her cheeks. They sat like that for a moment longer, before Pansy remember that this wasn’t just a simple love story. She straightened up without letting go of Hermione’s hand, and looked at her with a serious expression.

‘What about Ron? And what about God?’ she asked, wiping her cheeks with the other hand.

‘I’ve already talked to Ron, we’re splitting up. And I’m sure God will understand’ she said laughing. ‘As long as you don’t mind me going to Church every now and then.’

‘You mean every Sunday? As long as you don’t drag me along, we’re fine’ Pansy said sounding absolutely serious, before she laughed again.

‘Deal’ Hermione said and kissed Pansy slowly, before standing up and dragging Pansy with her. ‘Come on, I don’t think this bus will ever come. I’ll drive’ they laced their fingers together and walked up the road towards the car. Pansy felt like a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders, and she was absolutely ready for the real love story to begin. 


End file.
